Subject 036-D.D.

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 23:17:23 GMT

Not a lot to say recently, I've been successfully breastfeeding for almost a year and my period just started! It's the first one I've had in many years. It's the first one I've had naturally (without birth control pills) in 17 (!) years. It's also one week before my daughters' first birthday.

Meal Plan

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 12:06:20 GMT

here is a sample of what I
would eat during a light exercise (only walking) day. If there was
any running or weights, I would up the calories accordingly by
doubling the ice cream, or oil in my popcorn, or having a bunch of
almonds, or even a piece of cake *gasp*

The numbers are there because I was logging it through software to be
sure I wasn't fooling myself, or *accidentally* cutting calories.

Breakfast: 496 cal, 24.3 g fat, 49 g carb, 8.1 g fiber, 31 g protein
Egg white omelette with one yolk (100ml)
Red pepper, spinach, broccoli
¼ c (dry) oatbran
1 tbsp apple butter
2 tbsp raisins
2 tsp flax seeds
1 tbsp UDO's oil

Lunch: 300 cal, 8.2 g fat, 33 carb, 4.7 g fiber, 24 g protein
100 g salmon
½ c brown rice
40 g tofu
½ c broccoli
40 g beets
½ c edamame
½ c spinach
1 mini chocolate bar (the kind you get for Halloween)

Afternoon Snack: 273 cal, 2.7 g fat, 63 g carb, 5.9 fiber 5 protein
1 green apple
½ c kefir (yogurt)
1/3 c granola
1 tbsp apple butter

Dinner: 413 cal, 16.5 g fat, 30 g carb, 4.9 g fiber, 40 g protein
Mini pizza:
Small whole wheat flour tortilla
Tomato paste, olive oil, basil, garlic
chicken breast diced
side:
½ c broccoli
40 g beets
½ c edamame
1 mini chocolate bar

Evening snack: 322 cal, 13.5 g fat, 43 g carb, 4.8 g fiber, 6 g
protein.
5 c air popped popcorn
1 tbsp UDO's oil
½ c frozen yogurt

Daily total: 1792 cal , 63.4 g fat, 14.3 g saturated fat, 304 mg
cholesterol, 1064 mg sodium, 218 g carbohydrates, 29.4 g fiber, 95 g
sugar, 105 g protein.

even more stuff

Sun, 28 Mar 2004 15:29:58 GMT

-armpit *fragrance* has returned
-more wacky pinch-ey cramps
-even more izzeyness

Sun, 28 Mar 2004 02:33:29 GMT

More weirdness:
-I've become completely stupid. I locked the cat in the bedroom and blamed it on Mike
-Nasty stabbing headache
-really smell sensitive
-unusual levels of calm, happy and joy

...hrm

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 16:22:46 GMT

highest temperature yet! actually, I was feeling weird and woozey after breakfast and temp checked and it was 99.6! Sheesh! I don't think it's a flu, but I do feel very strange:
-crazy high tempertures
-sore breasts (8 days and counting) inclucing another donation from the breast fairy.
-very tired.
-very sensitive to smell.
-weird lower-abdominal twingies.
-woozey and faint-ey.
-increadibly bloated (at least I think it's bloating, I seem to have grown 2 sizes in 3 days.

Next week will certainly be interesting. Last time my temps jumped like this, it only lasted 5 days or so, this is day 9.
Hmm

Dr. Alleyne

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 02:28:51 GMT

I think I just met my FairyGodMother!

Dr. De Souza from UofT referred me to Dr. Alleyne at Women's College Hospital. She's in the sports clinic who runs a program that is designed to help women like me! They have an intervention program that is targeted towards high school-age girls and young women who are beginning to develop destructive exercise patterns, then there is a recovery program, that is working in tandum with the Active Women's Study!

She asked some questions about my history and how I snapped out of it and what support I've had with my recovery. She was apalled at the lack of assistance I've had from doctors, especially the endocrinologist one floor below her!

She said that most women who have the personality that would result in such a state of health wouldn't seek help or be wiling to accept it once it's brought to them that they need help. She's impressed with how much I've been able to achieve recovery-wise on my own without any professional help and said that I should be really propd of myself. *beam* She also said "That doesn't mean that you have to go it alone, next week, we will have you meet with our dietician, then a gynecologist and a therapist to discuss your changing body image because coming out of amenorrhea is pretty scary too. I have access to anyone you need and it's all covered under OHIP"
*faint* I couldn't believe it! Why could I have not met this woman a year ago - two years ago?!

When she saw my temperature chart, she wanted to get bloodwork done right away because we may have caught me right in the middle of some potential hormonal activity. She thinks that my prognosis for full recovery is excellent, my weight has been in a good range for 6-8 months, so things should be kicking back in any time now.

I'm feeling super-vulnerable about my size and over the next few weeks, I will be surrounded with people who don't quite get it, but I have these new doctors to look forward to and I will have to be strong and recognize what's important in the long run. It's just hard when somebody casually mentions that they think I have gained "enough" weight and they were wondering when I would be 'allowed' to stop gaining.
Thanx, sensitive much? Ah well, I guess some people don't feel like there is anything more to them than the numbers associated with their body and can't understand that I may have a different agenda than being skinny. Granted, 99% of other people seem to have the same agenda and it's kinda hard to feel like I'm accepted, or understood. I'm not exactly extatic about gaining 35 pounds, but I know I'm healthier and generally happier and Universe willing, more fertile :) . I just need to find clothes that fit :/

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 17:45:27 GMT

YEsterday was the last day of data collection for the Active Women's Study. No more peeing into a cup every morning *WHEEEEEE* - well, for the time being at least. It looks like the proposed "Reversal protocal" is still stuck in the process of being cleared by ethics, nd they are expecting it to be another 6 weeks before we can get started. Sigh.

In the meantime, I'm to get in touch with a doctor at Women's COllege Hospital to get a physical done, which is great because I'm due for one and I hate the idea of my regular GP doing the exam - he forgot if he did a pap during the pelvic exam. Likely because he was already so spazzy (high - *cough*) that he was knocking things off the wall and dropping papers. Sheesh. THe doctor at WCH specializes in athletic women's problems and often works with Dr. DeSousa with amenorrheic women to help resume menses non-pharmacologicaly. Sounds promising! A Western Doctor that isn't out to push drugs on me!

In the afternoon, I went to the naturopath for my second acupuncture treatment with her. She checked my pulse nd noticed that my liver pulse had "calmed right down", the liver pulse is very much effected by anger and stress. I feel like my stress and anger is pretty much GONE! I don't know if it's because I'm more conscious of it, because of the homeopathic remedy, something dietary or what, but my body seems to have made an incredible shift over the course of the last 2 weeks. I feel like I'm more aware of the anger and stress that I always carried with me and I'm able to look at it objectively and deal with it before it festers or gets out of control. It's like it's outside of my head, instead of crawling around under my skin. *POOF* gone!

Today, I'm tired as heck and my boobs still hurt (just the skin). I wanna nap.

Changes?

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 02:29:55 GMT

I have been doing a couple of things new that may be leading to these changes.

-eating egg yolks. animal based cholesterol is what hormones are made from. Normal people produce this cholesterol in their liver, but when hormones shut down because of low bodyfat/malnutrition, the liver stopps processing hormones and forgets how to for a period of time. We need to get our cholesterol from food sources. Egg yolks are the best source of animal based cholesterol. It certainly beats gnawing on meat fat. Ew.

-I've been eating loads of soy for about a week now at the suggestion of my naturopath. I did this a while ago too without any of these side effects. Likely because I was still underweight and exercising too much. I have been eating edamame, tofu and soy nuts every day.

I have been doing acupuncture with my Naturopath and she also gave me the homeopathic remedy carcinosin

The changes

Anyhoo, cervical fluid like ::woah!:: It is behaving like fertile cervical fluids!! This is extremely unusual, I've been dry as heck for 2 years. When you all ovulate, the cervix spitts out an eggwhite-like fluid in reaction to the elevated estrogen levels. THis stuff is supposed to help the sperm to swim about in.

My breasts are sore - actually, my nipples are sore. Not the usual pre-menstrual ache-y sore, but the skin is sore!

I seem to be retaining a load of water. I'm not peeing nearly as much and my clothing is WAY tight. Maybe I'm gaining more weight, but it feels different than previous weight gain.

My skin looks more female. It has looked very rough and old-lady-like I lost that healthy female glow. That's coming back! My skin looks great andmy cheeks look rosey.

Thant's all I can think about for now.

To the post-anorexic amenorrheic ladies Part II

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 18:10:44 GMT

So I said I would get to the bit about the doctors. As I'm sure you
have already noticed, they are less than helpful.

First of all, this is just to the women with hypothalamic amenorrhea,
not to those with PCOS, or others. This is just for those who have
lost their periods from low bodyfat and/or exercise.

Doctors are taught to put you on the birth control pill as hormone
replacement so you don't risk further bone loss. Recent studies have
shown that BCP does NOT prevent further bone loss. Only the estrogen
that is produced in your body prevents bone loss. Synthetic hormones
don't remedy this. The reason they persist is because this is what
they were taught to do. Oddly enough, hypothalamic amenorrhea baffles
doctors and Western medicine is taught to treat the symptom, and not
bother to look for the underlying lifestyle cause. Unfortunately,
amenorrhea is a systematic problem that can't be fixed by treating a
symptom. Doctors are happy with the results as long as you 'look
normal', that is bleed every month. This way, you will feel more
normal and most importantly, you will be out of their hair. That is,
until you have to go back for fertility drugs if/when you want to
conceive. A good part of it is the marketing and drug company’s
willingness to support the symptom-cure. It's a big business at your
expense.

Birth control not only masks the symptom, but it suppresses the very
mechanism that will produce your own natural hormones. When you
introduce a synthetic hormone into your system, the body senses there
isn't a need to produce it's own. The hormones in the pill tell the
hypothalamus to stop pulsing the GnRH hormone, thereby preventing the
chain reaction that leads to ovulation. When you take the pill, you
don't menstruate, you have breakthrough bleeding. This is not a real
cycle. The GnRH that is pulsed by the hypothalamus is what gives you
your periods back and suppressing it further with a pill just makes
recovery more difficult. Your doctor knows this, but again, they don't
know how to amenorrhea and they only care about masking the symptom.
Furthermore, it can take up to a year for the pill to work it's way
out of your system! The same goes for Premarin or any other synthetic
hormone. They work AGAINST you by suppressing the very thing that you
are trying to bring back to life!

The pill also masks the underlying problem of WHY you have
hypothalamic amenorrhea. It gives you 'permission' to continue along
the very same lifestyle that put you here to begin with - likely
exercising too much, not having enough bodyfat and not eating enough
to meet your energy requirements. This CANNOT be determined by you,
with an anorexic past, you alone do not have the objectivity or
rationality to decide this. Get a nutritionist to look at your meal
plan and a therapist who specializes in eating disorders to look at
your exercise routine.

I have been to countless doctors and specialists over the past 20
months and the common thread in all of them is absolute ignorance
about hypothalamic amenorrhea and only care to mask the symptom.
Specialists and endocrinologists included. That is simply the way
Western medicine works.

The fact is that women in many different parts of the world go
through famine and lose incredible amounts of bodyfat. When the
famine is over and they begin a long period of taking in enough
calories to put them at 22% bodyfat and keep in a sustained caloric
balance to cover their caloric expenditures, their fertility returns.
No chemicals, just food. After WWII, they didn't put women coming out
of the camps on Premarin, or chemicals. These women regained their
health and weight nd their priorities were about LIVING, not being
thin. They had periods and pregnancies. Same with the women in the
Congo, there are great periods of famine and hard labor that render
them amenorrheic, but when harvest comes, so do their periods, they
don't have endocrinologists there to make these women feel like
freaks. The female human body has remarkable healing skills all on
it's own. You just have to be objective and look at your lifestyle.
It is a lifestyle that would support carrying a pregnancy? If not,
then it won't bother switching your hormones back on, because it takes
an enormous amount of energy to run a reproductive system. It's not
permanent if you remove the cause of the problem. It's your choice
how long you suffer with this.

TO the women who are spending thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant with drugs and IVF, IUI, etc, just think about the reason you can’t get pregnant. Look at it from a bigger picture. Look at what kind of mother you would be to a growing daughter – before they are born, you are already showing them that your small waistline or ‘good enough’ weight is a higher priority than health. You need a serious priority shift before you pass on your eating disorder onto a daughter. I am fully aware that this is likely THE reason I can’t get pregnant and my hormones haven’t come back yet is that I am still in the process of shifting my priorities. I see this as a block that has been put in my way on purpose so when I have children, another anorexic isn’t created from a mother with messed up priorities. I will only have children when I am able to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will be raised with the self esteem and love and healthy priorities.

It takes time and a priority shift, but you only get one body and one
shot at this lifetime.

</j-cut>

Letter to post-anorexic women with amenorrhea

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 14:00:40 GMT

Okay, I have been on this board for several months now and I hear so often that "I got over my anorexia and I'm an 'okay' weight now and my periods haven't come back..."

I had anorexia with an overexercising disorder, so I had less bodyfat than a 'normal' anorexic, plus elevated cortisol from the exercise. My periods stopped while I was on the pill! I had less bodyfat than an athletic male. THis was 20 months ago. I was 5'3" 100 pounds with an enormous ammount of muscle mass for that size, so without the muscle, I likely would have been about 80 pounds. I am now hapily 130 pounds and gaining. I will likely have to get ot 140 in order to get my hormones pumping again. I initially thought this weight would mean I have failed, but looking back, I see that I had failed myself by being any thinner. I need to give my body the best chance it has at recovering. I want healthy bones (the bone loss will reverse with hormone production) and I want a family.
Let me tell you, the quality of my life at 130 pounds is infinately better than at 115 and 105 pounds. I wouldn't drop below 120 if you paid me to! My anxiety is gone and showing myself that I am even more beautiful the healthier (and heavier) I get, is a true victory against anorexia. Not gaining 15 pounds under the threat of death and hating yourself for every second of it - that will keep you amenorrheic for as long as you let it.

You are in control of it ladies, if you want out, you just have to let it go. Vanity and a percieved 'control' put us here and you have to let go of vanity in favor of your health and the quality of life.

What will you be looking back on when you are 80. You are all shriveld up in a rocking chair with your blankets and cats. What will make you feel like you have accomplished something to be proud of in your life? That you fit into a size small and were skinnier than the other girls in your 20's and 30's? This of course being at the expense of your broken hip at 40 and not being able to have kids or make love to your husband. No grandkids and a husband that resents you, but hey - you got to be skinny. I want to have hoards of grandkids, I want to look back at my life as a curvy sensual woman who loved making love to my husband, who had children and even girls who learned to grow up without an eating disorder because I know that self-esteem is the most important thing you can help a child to develop. I want to see my kids get married and have kids. I want my old-man to die with a smile on his face. That is worth more to me than an 'okay' weight'. I want to give my body the best chance it has at getting a life that I'm proud of and that I love. I don't care if I have to be 150 pounds to get it. My happiness and quality of life is more important than a number on a scale, measuring tape or piece of clothing. It's all in your hands ladies. Look at your priorities.

I have spent the past 20 months studying everything I can about this occurance and I am tracking it all here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/izabella
I am working with the University of Toront who are studying this and have a 'reversal procedure' that is entirely diet based. I had also worked with a hoard of doctors, endocrinologists, fertility specialists, etc, but I will get to that later.

First of all, you have not gained an 'okay' ammount of weight' if your periods haven't come back yet. THe way the hypothalamus works is this: It senses famine so it shutts down the calorically taxing reproductive system. This means, it stopps pulsing a hormone called GnRH, which is what causes a chain reaction of sex hormones that reach your ovaries, which create more hormones, which feed back to the hypothalamus to pulse more GnRH. It's a cycle.

There is a hormone produced in your fat called leptin. This is what triggers puberty, when the brain detects a level of leptin that it would deem safe for reproduction, it starts pulsing GnRH, sex hormones are produced and you are all ready to reproduce.

It has been proven that women who have gone through a famine (self-imposed or otherwise) long enough to warrant amenorrhea, we set a pattern in our brain that tells it that we are prone to such conditions. When new fat is accumulated, the concentrations of leptin are lower because we have taught our bodies that we need more fat than the average woman to survive another famine.

We have to gain more weight than what we deem 'normal' in order to trigger the hypothalamus to begin producing sex hormones. Our hypothalamus is constantly pumpinfg out other hormones, but it won't pump out sex hormones until it senses a safe reproductive environment. This means enough storage fat. What our brain sees fit as 'enough fat' is far different than what popular culture tells us is 'enough fat'

Not only that, when I hear you all talk about an "'okay' weight", you are all talking about being 5'3" and 115 pounds! Sorry, you are still underweight. Anyone with an anorexic past is unfit to determine themselves to be at a healthy weight. Get your bodyfat level checked by a professional (no not a 20 year old personal trainer at a gym, or one of those handheld devices). Go to your doctor and request they hook you up with someone who will do an accurate test. It has also been proven that menarche (when sex hormones are produced at puberty) begins around 16% bodyfat. The re-production of hormones after anorexic or athletic amenorrhea begins at 22%. I was 17% bodyfat when I was 120 pounds. I thought I was an 'okay' weight. THink about it.

If your periods haven't come back yet, you're NOT an 'okay weight'. You are here because your weight was more important than your health. To fix it, your health has to be more important than your weight. Simple. It can take between 6 months and up to a year or more in a caloric balance before your hormones come back, but the WILL COME BACK. it's not the sort of mechanism that shutts down permanently. Every time you go into a caloric deficit by dieting, restricting or exercise, you are putting yourself two steps back and delaying your recovery.

There is a great book that the University has referenced their reversal procedure on called "On Fertile Ground" by Peter Ellison. They studied the famine and refeeding patterns of women in different parts of the world to see what their fertility and re-feeding and caloric balance patterns are.

If you have any questions, comments, abuse or whatever, I would be happy to discussa ny of this with you. Email me dianna@databloom.com

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 01:32:03 GMT

I'm trying to simplify my supplements, my intuition tells me I don't need the maca, or acetyl l-carnitine.
I have added the yin pills that the naturopath has given me, but I have a feeling it's not about nutrition at this time.

Egg yolks

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 03:30:00 GMT

The egg yolk experiment is going okay. I have been adding one egg yolk a day to my diet so I can increase my animal based cholesterol to hopefully boost hormone production. The headaches started today, but I am determined to teach my body to suck it up and deal. It's one freaking egg yolk - sheesh. For some reason I am perfectly fine with chicken and any other animal fat, but toss an egg yolk into the mix and my body throws a tantrum.

Sigh.

Operation "Regression Therapy" and "chicking it up" by about 75% seem to be going very well.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 01:16:02 GMT

Had another blood draw this morning at the university, next week will be the last, then we start the reversal *MEEP*!

I had my first acupuncture treatment with the Naturopath. It was much nicer than acupuncture treatments with Dr. Wang. Hers wasn't zing-ey and painful.

She gave me some herbs to increase my yin.

I'm not sure if it's the homeopathy, but I'm feeling less bubbl-ey-under-the-surface angry. I tend to fume about my mother more than I realize during the day and that anger and disappointment seems to drag me down when I was in an otherwise good mood.

The anger doesn't serve me anymore - out it goes.

I feel unusually calm and very happy. It could be the fuzzy pink sweatshirt I've been wearing the past few days too ;)

Going backwards

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 22:44:01 GMT

I cancelled my gym membership today.

I need to raise my cholesterol.

Often an anorexics' liver (even for years post-anorexia) is unable to make it's own cholesterol because of the charachteristic non-fat diets and malnutrition. Cholesterol is what hormones are made from. it has to be animal based because plant based (Like the UDO's oil I've been taking) won't do it. This explains why even though I have a good ammount of fat now, there still aren't hormones, my liver can't remember what to do. My Naturopath noticed that I have very little dietary cholesterol and I have to increase it with animal cholesterol, like egg yolk and meat fat. She acknowledged her horror at recomending I eat this stuff for s while, not in huge quantities, just an egg yolk a day and stop cutting the fat off my chicken. Ew.

Starting today, I learn to love egg yolks. They give me vicious headaches and make me queasy. I've been trying to wean myself onto them for months now. My guess is that I have reactions because my body is trying to proccess the cholesterol because it's pretty foreign in my body. Tough, it's gonna learn.

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 01:50:56 GMT

Shawna (The Naturopath) recomended I can help my body to ovulateby putting a little light on in the bedroom at night during the three nights of the full moon, so I'm doing that.

Today, she gave me a homeopathic remedy carcinosin. If I don't notice "anything" ? in a couple of days, then take another three.

She told me that I need more cholesterol! Interesting thing is that in people recovering (or currently dealing with) eating disorders, the liver can't make it's own cholesterol for a while, so the cholesterol has to be taken in food. Cholesterol is what hormones are made from. I thought I was getting enough from the UDO's oil (EFA supplement), but dietary cholesterol that the body builds hormones from is animal based, and I don't seem to have much of that in my diet. Egg yolk is ideal, but I get horrible headaches from them (maybe because my body is trying to work with the cholesterol?) not cutting the fat off my meat is another good (?!) thing for me to do. She was amused at having to tell a client to eat more cholesterol!

We're adressing this stress blockage in my middle with acupuncture starting Tuesday. She feels like there is something just below the surface that I'm not entirely in touch with that I need to adress and release. It sounds scary as heck, but an interesting journey nonetheless.

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 03:24:42 GMT

I had my weigh-in at the University today. 130 pounds. Yup. I've gained roughly 30 pounds in my recovery since October 2002. I'm feeling pretty insecure about this. Why do I let a stupid number make me feel crappy? I'm outgrowing even my upgraded clothes. Oddly, my bodyfat still isn't in an ideal place. Maybe I'm still holding ont a lot of the muscle I built. I think I would feel better about this if there was even a hint of hormonal activity happening. Still nothing.
it doesn't help that a very tall friend was uneasy about their 29" waist and has been on a 'weightloss challenge'. My waist is 29" and I'm 8" shorter than she is. Numbers
numbers numbers

too high too low not enough...

...I wish I could just give up.

Family doctor meeting

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 17:50:53 GMT

had a miraculous visit with Dr. Marcus (Formerly Dr. Idiot) who has suddenly seen the light about effective patiet managemet. He looked at my chart and said that he was disappointed with the endocrinologists involvement with my case and agreed that their plan of action (ie: wait and see another 5 months) was ineffective. He is referring me to a fertility clinic and even said that if I hadn't had a phone call in 3 days to give him a call back. He said that more than enough time has passed with me being a healthy weight and having a healthy lifestyle that it's time to persue other treatment options and has a specialist in mind that deals with unusual cases like mine. Even he said "enough is enough here, your body isn't responding properly to standard protocol, lets see what else we can do. Two years, gosh, you and your husband must be just pulling your hair out by now!" Well YEAH! We have in fact. He was even concerned about our support network, which I told him - save for a few, was fantastic.
HOORAY!! Finally!

sigh

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 00:35:49 GMT

My temperatures dropped today, which means I should have started bleeding.

I didn't.

This means the high temps, even though there were a lot of them and it looked very normal for a leuteal phase - were indeed a fluke. Not the beginning of a cycle.

Meaning I have been imagining any hormonal activity.

I have been cramping too which is making things very annoying and confusing and I'm just feeling miserable and can't stop crying. I feel hopeless again.

Weird vibrations...

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 22:13:19 GMT

One thing I've noticed over the past few weeks is a strange vibrating around where my uterus would be. At first I thought it was because I was sitting on the floor and a truck or streetcar drove by. I began to notice it when I was standing up, at work, or even walking home. I imagine it could be circulation happening in a place I'm not used to. It almost feels like I have a little pager implant. I've had strange little cramps and twingies as well.
Strange.
This week will be interesting.

Naturopath second visit.

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 15:20:13 GMT

She looked at my temperature chart and was pretty excited about what may happen this coming week. Granted, my temp was low (97.5) today for a few possible reasons. Whatever.

I have a good feeling about her, she seems to be on exactly the same wavelengh as Mike and I. She suggested some breathing exercises and drawing therapy. I'm feeling a little afraid of the drawing therapy. Although I feel like I have artistic talent, I have no imagination and have trouble creating something as abstract as my state of health and where I am in the healing process. She also suggested visualization, which she was happy to hear that I have been doing for months now. I picture pink sparkley fluid being pumped out of my hypothalamus spreading all over my body and circulating around my ovaries and uterus breathing life back into it. Sure, it's corney, but so what, I'm doing all the practical stuff too, a little bit of new-agey-flakeyness couldn't hurt.
She gave me a new suplement:

Genestra "Formula GYN"
Pyridoxine HCI 105mg
Magnesium (proteinate) 50mg
Ovary concentrate 100mg
Hypothalamus conc. 20mg
Pituitary conc. 20 mg
Black currant oil 75mg
Dong Quai 40mg
Black Cohosh 30mg
Wild Yam 30mg
Damiana 30mg

Yes, the bovine hormones are a little freakish. What of it? She said it would support hypothalamus function and it's temporary anyhow.

as well as a digestive enzyme because I have been concerned that although I drink loads of water and eat very well, my digestion is terrible. She said that it was likely because I have had an eating disorder for so long. Kinda makes sense.

I go back to see her in two weeks.

Round three of University observations

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 19:32:13 GMT

The RMR test was a little longer drawn out this time. As usual, I had to stop
exercising and caffeine 24 hours before, no breakfast and take transit to the
University. I had to lay still for 50 minutes instead of the usual 30 ( I think they
just forgot about me) then they put the clear dome over my head and ran the test for
another 30 minutes. I had to pee sooooo badly at the end of it all.

Aparently, my resting metabolic rate has gone WAY up, I can't figure this out, but it's a very good sign. THe first test I had in October, it was 1250 or something, then it dropped to 1190 in December. Now, it's aparently 1500-ish. That means my body requires 1500-ish calories just to lie perfectly still all day. I have also put on another 2 pounds.

THis tells me that my body has enough stores and continuous food intake that it doesn't need to store eergy, it can use it and burn it. My body doesn't think I'm starving it anymore and I'm officially not hypometabolic!! Actually, it's a scary fast metabolism.

Between that and my high temperastures, it seems like my thyroid is just starting to straighten out, or it's confused ;) Either way, these are all VERY good signs.

They took more blood and gave me the 24 hour urine collection jug. I also have the activity monitor again. This is the thing that attaches to my hip - I think it's like a step counter.

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 13:26:48 GMT

Met with a new naturopath Saturday. She is working on a homeopathic remedy to help my obsessiveness and feeling down. This should help with hormones too.

On that note, something is DEFINATELY happening here. No temperature fluke, this is the real thing. I have had 6 high temperatures (unusually high) in a row, which means we should be expecting Aunt Flo by Wednesday next week. This is very exciting!!

Today, I'm not allowed any caffeine or exercise including walking to work. This is in preparation for another RMR (resting metabolic rate) test tomorrow morning at the University.

Meeting with Dr. De Sousa

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 23:22:29 GMT

Wow.

Well, we started out with the bone density scan that they did on October. It looks like the bone density in my hip is still good, but I've lost density in my spine. She said that it WILL come back. *beam*

She also said that my bodyfat was only 17.5% in October. I have only gained 5 pounds since. I'm such a distorted idiot.

They got the funding to do the reversal procedure, but it will be another month before they get the go-ahead. Because I've changed my exercise routine, so they will be putting me through a third cycle of the data collection. Woo Hoo! More peeing in cups and weekly blood draws! (note sarcasm) actually, it's a nice distraction. It makes me feel like I'm being helped.

She said there have only been two other reversal protocals done worldwide. This is a brand new thing to establish a baseline, then to have a set protocal to bring hormones back for women who have been through exactly the same thing as me! I'm so excited to be a part of this.

She is certain that even though I have gained 25 pounds, I have still been in a caloric (energy) deficit. Once they run a third RMR on me and do an activity log and establish my energy expendature, they will be able to show me a base line for what my caloric needs are. I will then add 200 cal/day to that. If necessary, more than that. I said that I was worried that I broke my hypothalamus and that it wouldn't produce hormones anymore. She said that my hypothalamus is working just fine, it is producing all sorts of other things like growth hormone, cortisol, insulin, leptin and thyroid hormones (which are all showing normal).

She explained that the reproductive system is calorically taxing and unless there is an energy balance and storage (a good ammount of bodyfat as surplus) it won't kick out sex hormones properly, because it's taking up too much energy for movement (exercise), cell maintenance, growth, heating, etc.
oh.
duh.

I knew that, but I thought I was doing okay there. Guess not. The fact that I've gained weight is a very good thing. After what my body has been through, it will need a good ammount of storage fat to ovulate.

She said that she promises that we wouldn't see a change within the first couple of months. This made me feel better knowing that it takes a very long time in an energy balance and surplus to see a change. I have been on the right track, but I just got discouraged and let my negative self image get to me and gave up on the caloric surplus. Fortunately, I havn't given up for too long and it wouldn't make much of a difference.

I go in Tuesday to do another bone scan, resting metabolic test, blood draw and urine collection. Reversal protocal starts mid-March!

I got home and got a call from the endocrinologist. They said my LHRH test turned out normal (My LH & FSH responded very well to the GnRH stimulus) which means my system is all set up to go as soon as my hypothalamus decides to pump out hormones.

Looks like my body is all set to go as soon as my brain senses there is enough storage and an energy balance, my eggs will be crackin'

I'm feeling so optimistic!!

LHRH test

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 01:45:43 GMT

I had to fast, so on an empty stomach, I got to the hospital around 10:30 am. They set me up in a bed and taped a needle to my arm (just the pointy part with the plastic bit) so they didn't have to keep re-sticking me every 30 minutes. They attached a vial to the plastic bit and drew the first bit of blood to test my baseline hormone levels.
The doctor was late (big surprise) so it was about noon before we got the show underway. This involved her taking a vial of LRH, sucking it into a needle and injecting it into my arm. That's it. She even asked the nurse if she thought it was enough. This is the head of Endocrinology at WCH. Eh.
I Asked her what I should expect and she said likely nothing. SOme people feel flushed within the first half hour or so. She said that it will basically just stimulate my Leuteniing Hormones. She said not to worry though, I likely won't be ready to "crack an egg" for another few months yet. *pout*
She did say that it is to test what my LH levels will do when stimulated by the pituitary. This sometimes will get a cycle rolling! She said it's "a little bit of voodoo, but it often works". That was it, then she left and they took blood 30 minutes after the injection, then 60, then 90. She will give me a call when she has the results.

MEEP!

I'm aparently behaving differently, more female (?). Just for fun, I took my temperature when I got home and although I'm often around 98.0 mid day, today, it was 99.0! I havn't seen a temperature like that since I had the flu on our honeymoon a year ago! THis next week will be interesting.

Letter to my Endocrinologist

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 00:26:27 GMT

Last week I burst into tears in my endocrinologist office when I felt like I was getting blown off again and told to "just wait it out..."

I realize that I was expressing a lot of emotional intensity during my appointment last Thursday and I wasn't being very clear. With my history, I can understand how that could be interpreted as anxiety about body image. I wanted to get across that my anxiety isn’t about my weight. I’m happy with the way I look and will happily gain more weight if necessary.

My anxiety is about my libido. I have been sexually numb for two years now. Although my husband and I are working through it, it is extremely hard on our marriage. Over the past 18 months, I have been doing everything I can to bring my hormones back, including giving up strenuous exercise, create a calorie rich diet that is balanced and healthy, yoga, alternative therapies and gaining 25 pounds. A 25 pound weight gain over an 18-month period will make anyone a little uncomfortable, regardless if they have had a history with eating disorders or not. I have made every lifestyle change that has been recommended to me with no results.

I have seen so many different doctors and although I understand monitoring the situation is necessary, 18 months is a long time to be monitored and wait for appointments, only to hear “Don’t’ worry about it, it just happens to some athletic women”, “Jeez, how is your husband holding up?”, “I don’t know, good luck!” and “gain a couple more pounds, cut back on exercise and we’ll see”. Nothing I have done has even brought about a minimal change and I don’t feel like anyone is helping me to fix the problem. I feel like I have been blown off and not taken seriously because of my history with the eating disorder. After happily gaining 25 pounds because my health is a priority, the eating disorder is not an issue. I don’t need pamphlets, I need my hormones to come back. This is harming the quality of my life, my marriage and my self-image. The passion in my life is gone and this is why I am filled with anxiety. I need you to help me .

I’m now 29 years old and I don't function like a woman, I don’t feel like a woman, and being in a marriage without sexual intimacy doesn't help me to feel much like a wife either. This isn't even a natural part of life like menopause where there is peer support. I feel very much alone. This is all happening during a time that my husband and I had planned to start a family. I have been living like this for two years now. For two years I haven't been able to make love to my husband much less hope for a family. I'm scared, frustrated and very sad. This is what the tears were about during my visit last week.